Our next post

I can't stop thinking about this, so maybe writing out what's on my mind will help me. Aaron is in Korea until next summer. We know we will be PCS'ing (moving) upon his return because this base does not have his new MOS. He will need to put in requests in a few months for where we would like to go if there is availability. We thought we knew what we wanted, but now... not so much. It seems these are our possibilities: Fort Hood in TX; Fort Riley in KS; Fort Campbell in TN; Hunter Army Airfield in Savannah, GA; Fort Bragg in NC; and Fort Drum in Northern NY. We know we do not want to request Fort Riley in KS. Since receiving Bethany's diagnosis of PDD-NOS, I have been looking into the school systems and programs at each location. It is very important to us to get the best for her that we can. We thought we wanted Hunter in Savannah, but have discovered it is one of the worst places for school and special ed. Campbell is considered just as bad. So that leaves Bragg in NC; Drum in N. NY; and Hood in TX. I am stilll looking into NC, but it seems that NY is the best for special ed by far. Seriously it is way ahead of anywhere else. But the part of NY that Fort Drum is at, is known for having very harsh winters. Can we handle that? Aaron is from Florida and I am from So. Cal. So we have no snow experience. Well, ok, I lived in Queens, NY for 3 years, but I was always away, never had to drive in the snow, shovel snow, or deal with kids in snow. Aaron says it would only be for 2 years, one of which he will probably be deployed anyway. If we hate it, I can go home to my family when he deploys. He gets out of the Army in 2010, so if we hate it, it's not like we are stuck there forever. Fort Hood is a very distant second best for school. But we know the weather better and I know a few people there and it would be closer to family. Aaron does not want to go to Hood though. He might change his mind. And I still need to do my homework on Bragg in NC. I really shouldn't let myself get so into this. The Army will send us wherever they need Aaron most. Bethany is in the Exceptional Family Member Program which might help a little. But I feel better just letting all of my thought out.

Cat Sitting

We have been cat sitting my cousin in laws cat, Morris for a few days. He is in town for jump school, and his wife, Allison came to visit and brought Morris. She reserved a pet room, but the hotel gave it away, so he needed a place to stay. He is a sweetheart, and we have so enjoyed having him here. My girls are in love with him, and seeing them so happy makes me want to run out and buy them puppies and kittens! But I think another living creature in this house would push me over the edge. At least while Aaron is not here to help. Maybe when he comes home we can think about getting a pet. Am I crazy? We all know it's usually the mom who takes on the pet care too, and I really don't need any more to do. But whenever my girls are happy, so am I. I wish I could give them everything.

Me time

What I wouldn't give for just a tiny bit of time to take care of myself. Despite being here for almost 4 years, I still feel like I don't have any solid friends. All of my military wife friends have moved. For the few minutes each week I get in Relief Society before nursery has me come in to help them deal with Bethany, I get to hear about all of the activities I know I can't go to. Enrichment nights, moms night out, temple night, etc. I wish Aaron was home so I could go and feel like one of the girls once in a while. Make some friends, do something fun. Right now, I barely use baby sitters, because not too many people know what to do when Bethany has a meltdown, and I am still exclusively breastfeeding Shea so I can't be away from her for too long. But I trust Aaron and know he can handle Bethany. I think part of it is that I am lonely. Aaron is my best friend, and I miss him. I feel like there are often entire weekends that I don't say anything more intelligent than, "Bethany! Are you stinky?" During the week, I get slightly more interaction with adults. I do try to get involved in playgroups, and such. But those are not often. What I really want is to feel like a human being again. I want to feel pretty, and have friends, and do something for fun. I love my girls to pieces, but I don't feel like I exist anymore at all. Okay, I am done whining.

My girls, playing

Yesterday, I had so much fun watching Bethany and Shea play together. Shea is finally getting to be more interactive. She adores Bethany and Bethany loves making her laugh. Yesterday I had Shea in the exersaucer, and Bethany was on the outside playing with her. She kept offering her her drink and pulling it back and they were both laughing hysterically! Then later, I had Shea on the floor playing and Bethany took all of the diapers out and tossed them all over the living room. She was dropping them on top of Shea who thought it was hilarious. It's such a joy to see my two girls playing and laughing together!

Shea's 6 month well baby appt.

Today was Shea's 6 month well baby appointment. She is perfectly healthy! She was such a good girl the whole time too. What I didn't like about her appointment is that we found out upon our arrival that her regular Dr. had been snatched up to work with soldiers, and she was re assigned to Dr. M. Dr. M is the same Dr. who was on call in L&D the day I had her and he caught her. I can't stand him. He is very much a textbook and statistics kind of doctor, with no bedside manner. One of those Dr.'s who thinks they are God. Like since I am just her mom and not a Dr. I am too stupid to know anything. He looked at her vitals and told me she is too skinny, before he even looked at her. She is so not too skinny. The girl is a little chub! She has rolls! I think he was basing his opinion off the fact she is in the 25th percentile for weight, but that's on the scale that lumps formula fed and breastfed babies together. Formula fed babies do tend to be a little heavier than breastfed babies. Unless the child is unhealthy, who cares! And Shea is quite healthy. But anyway, I will be calling first thing tomorrow to have her doctor changed. I do not want to take my kids to this doctor.

Money

I am totally baffled by our finances. The money just disappears. When we get paid, I write up a budget and it looks good, but it never works out the way I plan. Even looking at our transactions online, I still can't see how everything gets so messed up. I am irritated about this. But that's all I will say. We have a doctor appointment for me today. Today is the only day of the week Bethany does not have school, so I have to bring both kids with me. I need to have my thyroid checked. I have hypothyroidism, and every so often we check it to be sure the medicine is doing it's job. So, I will have to have blood drawn, and wait in the pharmacy with the kids. the pharmacy is the worst of it. You take a number and wait forever! Lately Bethany has been acting more defiant, so I am nervous to take her out with me very often. It is so hard to know what is normal 2 year old behaviour, and what is autism related. Anyway, I better get ready for my appointment...

The last swim lesson

Today was Bethany's 8th and final swim lesson. I am not sorry to be done with it. But I know she had a lot of fun, so I am sorry to see it end for her. Bethany can light up a room when she is happy. She smiles so big, and squeals with delight. I love it! Everytime we got in the pool for a lesson she would squeal and giggle. But it breaks my heart too. I want her to grow up and have dreams and a career, and fall in love, and have babies of her own, and be happy. But I don't know what the future holds for her. I don't know what the future CAN hold for her. What kind of life is she going to have? I feel like I am not doing the right things, and there is this intense pressure to hurry up and treat her while she is so young. I hear over and over that the younger you start any treatment, the better chance of success. But what is the right treatment? What if I do the wrong one? We tried the DAN doctor approach, but I will admit, I think we got a crappy doctor, and we gave up fairly easily. Having her on a such a strict diet was so hard since she is so picky as it is. What do you feed a kid who can't have gluten, casein, sugar or yeast, but refuses to eat any meat or veggies no matter how hungry she is. She was living off of rice. People think I am a bad parent if my kid wont eat veggies. But it is not for lack of trying! I tried veggie juices, pureed veggies, steamed, blending them with other foods to disguise them. To the people who say if she gets hungry enough, she will eat them, I say, you try to do it if it's so easy. I about fell apart when she got so extremely excited over a banana display. I bought the darn bananas and she had 2 on the way home. She wasn't supposed to have fruit because of the sugar, so she had not had a banana in a while. She devoured those bananas, and watching her made me want to cry. Thinking about it now, still makes me want to cry. So we gave up the diet. But I still wonder if I couldn't have made it work somehow. Would it be worth it? Right now she is so young and so much still seems possible. I want to save her so bad. I can't bring myself to believe that I might not be able to make everything better. It makes me want to curl up in a ball on the floor and just bawl.

A Rare Moment

Wow! Shea is sleeping in this morning! Amazing! Bethany is eating breakfast right now. I can type with two hands! It is so much faster. I even took a shower already. As usual when I turned off the water, I braced myself for the usual screaming I would hear, but everyone is content. Nobody was screaming. Well today is another school day for Bethany. I love school days. It is so nice to get thinggs done with one less kid. Plus it's great for her. She can go play and do crafts and dancing with other kids. Yesterday Shea and I had lunch with a new friend. She is a woman with two little girls almost the same age as my two. She feels the same as I do about being a mom. We both love our kids, but dont feel fulfilled by being a mom. It was so nice to talk with someone who doesn't go on and on about how they love every minute of being home with their kids. Not everyone feels that way, and I am slowly learning, that I don't need to feel guilty for the way I feel. Today I need to go to Sam's club for more diapers for Bethany. I have Shea in cloth diapers, and Bethany in paper diapers. I know it's weird. I keep hoping to get Bethany potty trained soon, so it seemed like a waste of money to stock up on cloth diapers for her. I realize I would be able to use them for Shea too. I don't know. It's just how we are doing things. Last night was Bethany's swim class. We have two more classes. Tonight and tomorrow. She hardly needs the instruction. She is a natural! She pushes away from me and goes dog paddling off toward the 10 foot deep end with the instructor and myself chasing after her. She is fearless. But I admire that very much about her. I hope I can teach her how to be cautious when necessary, without killing that special quality.

Would it be dumb if I start counting down the days until Aaron comes home for Korea? I don't actually know for sure when he will be home. I have just picked a date in my head that should be close to the real date. So, I am going to say, 348 days left. That is a lot of days. It's OK. The number will shrink. I miss Aaron. the good thing about kids is that they keep you really busy. I haven't had time to dwell on Aaron being away.

Well Shea is awake now, so my time is up.